


shadows that come with being human

by Bunnylope



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: F/F, Love Confessions, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Regret, byleth realizes why she has stuck with edelgard for so long, it only took 5 years, post crimson flower route
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-19 15:42:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20212222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bunnylope/pseuds/Bunnylope
Summary: we follow our own stepswhile our shadows keeps watching us;+ + +A fic about Byleth and her realizations and regrets that come with being a newfound human smitten in love





	1. Chapter 1

Her palms dripping red,

Her heart suddenly beating.

Byleth often found herself regretting her decisions within the dead of night. Midnight was normally when lamenting nostalgia made its haunting peace for her, when she could not escape to the realm of sleep. This feeling was not unfamiliar to her. Closing her eyes, she could picture the faces of her loved ones: her father; her former coworkers; her former students; her former friends. She could clearly see their eyes once gleaming with trust and wonder at her teachings and abilities, now replaced with the haze of disappointment, confusion, and rage. 

What would he say if he saw me supporting the imperial tyranny against the church? Would he be proud that I was fighting for what I deemed as just, or would he be disappointed in disturbing the peace of something unbroken? 

Byleth shook her head as she sat up in her bed and buried her face in her palms. The rational side of her brain knew it was no use looking for acceptance from the dead. She knew she had to continue living for herself, but she felt like a hypocrite watching all of her students choose the side she was on just because she was their rock. She did not want to drag all of her loved ones into the war with her. 

How selfish, she scolded herself. Ruining the lives of so many without even a wavering expression or sense of remorse. Slaughtering her former students, friends, loved ones, all for what? 

In her mercenary days, she simply did as she was told without remorse or second thought. Occasionally, she would feel guilt towards those she cut down. Nobody should deserve a death of that caliber for something as petty as thievery, but she did as she was told with a blade hungry for more. Those she killed would slip away in her mind as quickly as sand through her fingers as she and Jeralt moved onto the next place they were needed. 

Such was her life here, she originally thought. The archbishop would give her more orders to murder those who attempted tresspass her crees that she would disguise as the crees of the Goddess. Yet, Rhea (Byleth felt odd saying her name anymore) had faith in her. The false archbishop had faith that Byleth was a special one, like she were her predecessor that came to her with a brilliant halo of light around her head, ready to continue to be the mercenary that did as she was told. 

Not everything is black and white like people want to believe. 

Byleth chose to lead the Black Eagle house, all that long time ago. She chuckled to herself, for it feels like a nostalgic memory now. Something about that house drew her in as if there was an unforeseen magic that made her want to lead them. Hubert. Dorothea. Caspar. Petra. Linhardt. Ferdinand. Bernadetta. And, of course, Edelgard. They all snuck into her heart while her defenses were down. She still does not know if that was a mistake or not, or if the crimson red string of fate gave her any choice.

Sothis had mentioned “fate” before. Byleth remembers her explanation of how it was fate that Jeralt’s death couldn’t be intervened. Possibly, it was fate that she found herself painfully enamored with Edelgard. Something about the way Edelgard carried herself was intoxicating to Byleth. Something about the way she fought; it was all very methodical and polished, as if every decision of hers was meticulously chosen with confidence. 

Edelgard’s smooth hair swayed behind her as she fought. The scene was akin to a dancer wearing a cape made of the finest silk; the movement was addicting to watch. When the pair of ladies dueled, Byleth would always find herself losing focus on the battle at hand. She would instead focus on the intense and unwavering gaze the future empress held in her eyes. It was an unforgettable gaze that she wishes to see until the end of time. 

She personally had no idea what her feelings towards Edelgard were. She cared for her like a mentor. If she had to describe a feeling towards Edelgard, she would say that she loves her. Byleth cannot imagine her life without her presence. 

In the process of saving Edelgard’s life, Byleth gave up on ever finding the answers to her own. She knew that Rhea and Seteth had all the answers. But now, because of her actions, there is no way for her to know who she really is, who her mother was, how Sothis became bound with her, or anything. However, it was what she gave up to be with the people she trusted. 

Heaving out a dejected sigh, she swung her legs out from beneath the blankets of her bed. She thought that after the war was over she could have good nights of sleep again, however, around twice a week something kept her up until ungodly hours. It was excruciating, especially since now her headspace was empty of any roommates such as Sothis. Often during these sleepless times the painful memories would flood back to bite. Normally she would attempt to roll over and force herself to sleep, but tonight was different. She needed fresh air. 

A walk around the monastery would be good for her, she concluded. Not feeling like getting fully dressed, she slipped on a black robe and tugged on her boots. Halfway to the door, she hesitated, and grabbed her sword belt for extra protection and buckled it around her waist. The war was over but her fears were not. 

“I look so stupid,” she mumbled to herself as she exited her quarters and entered the moonlit night. She and Edelgard had no ties to one another, so she opted to stay in Garreg Mach and upkeep it while Edelgard stays within the Empire. Byleth would make the journey to see her and advise her when needed. Something about this millenium-old monastery seemed like home to her. It was the only place where she had lived for an extended period of time, Jeralt raising her since birth with the lifestyle of a nomad. Edelgard had offered Byleth a room within the Empire’s palace so that they could always be close together, Byleth living and acting as the Empress’ tactician and right-hand woman. However, she denied the offer. Answered that it was too much of a change. 

In some regards, she regretted that decision too. 

Inhaling a deep breath of the cool autumn air, she paused and looked up at the glimmering stars which cast a gossamer haze onto her cheeks. She closed her eyes and embraced the moonlight. 

After the war ended, she never went to the goddess tower, as everyone was waiting to do after the fighting was over. Everyone wanted to breathe a sigh of relief that they were still alive to confess to their loved ones. A few of her students have already announced their engagement, which Byleth could offer nothing but warm wishes for their future. 

In some ways, she regretted that as well. She finally has a working heart and takes advantage of her blessings by not using it to guide her. Jeralt’s wedding ring still lay in her dresser, cold and unused, waiting to be worn by her eternal partner. Dorothea would always press her about who she wished to marry after the war ended. It was cold of her to think, but she was always more focused on survival instead of love (of course, she didn’t tell Dorothea that). She simply shrugged and answered that she had no intentions as of this moment. 

Byleth could still picture Dorothea’s deflated expression when she told her that she had no interest in anyone. “That’s a shame. A lot of people have been pining for you, dear Professor. Haven’t you noticed?” 

Byleth blinked in response. “I can’t believe I have--” 

“Professor, are you meaning to tell me that you have no soft spot for anyone? No flutters in your chest when you see them, no fleeting happiness when they enter your mind?” Dorothea sounded desperate for information at this point. “Everyone has crushes!” 

In response, she took a sip of her tea. It was cold at this point, for she had left it sitting for too long. She thought of all the people that could have fit that description that the songstress had described. She couldn’t think of anybody in particular. “Dorothea, I truly apologize, but I feel as though I was never given the chance in my youth to pine over people.” She paused and looked at her reflection in the oversteeped tea, her expression as blank as it ever was. “Maybe I just don’t know what love feels like.” 

Dorothea pulled out a chair opposite the professor and sat herself down. Byleth knew she wasn’t getting off the hook that easily. Dorothea had a troubled expression on her beautiful face, her brow furrowed. “There’s no need to push yourself, dear. I apologize for prying, but maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet, or maybe you haven’t realized your feelings.” 

She didn’t want to tell Dorothea about how tight her chest felt when she had tea with Edelgard prior to their conversation. 

Opening her eyes, she was back at Garreg Mach. The sound of an owl hooting reached her ears along with the song of crickets forgetting that it wasn’t summer anymore. 

Byleth put a hand to her chest, feeling her newfound heartbeat underneath her fingertips. “Maybe I just haven’t realized my feelings,” she muttered as she started walking again. 

Sooner or later, the Goddess Tower came into view as she mindlessly explored. It loomed over Byleth’s form, puny and weak in comparison to its vast size and the power it holds. The wind blew her hair into her face and she brushed it out of her eyes. 

On the day of their battle with Rhea, Edelgard called Byleth into her room early in the morning. Entering, she saw Edelgard with her nightclothes on still, hair down in loose braids. “Good morning my teacher-- We march towards Garreg Mach today,” she started, gaze unwavering, “I understand that you are not my servant, but I was wondering if you would do me the honor of helping me get dressed.” 

“Why would you need my help?” 

Her expression darkened. “Being frank, I always do this myself. However, I simply wish to spend time with you in the event that I do not make it out in one piece after this battle.” 

Byleth moved to sit next to Edelgard-- the edge of the bed sunk under her weight. “Don’t say things like that-- To this day, you are one of the strongest people I know.” 

Edelgard gave a small, reserved smile as she always has. It sent warmth and comfort through Byleth’s body. “I could say the exact same to you.” 

“I assure you that you will be fine after this battle. We both will. Tomorrow morning we will see the sun rise underneath the new dawn of your rule.” 

“I do hope so. I don’t know what I would do if you left me again. For those five years, it felt as though the sun would never rise.”

Byleth was silent. Every single day she felt guilt for allowing herself to leave for that amount of time. It crushed her to imagine Edelgard thinking she were dead for those years; when the 5 year sleep was mentioned, she could see the pain flare beneath her violet eyes. She took Edelgard’s hand into her own and entwined their fingers. The Emperor’s hand was beautiful and untarnished, her skin as soft as Byleth had imagined it. “I promise to never leave you again. Together, every day, we will live to see the sun rise knowing the other will see it too. Through that we will always be together.” They shared a moment of full silence, the pair thinking about one another, both of them gazing at their hands, now together as one. Byleth took this opportunity to jest. “The only dying I’m doing is dying to know how you do your hair every day so I may recreate it myself.” 

Edelgard allowed herself a chuckle-- it sounded warm and gentle like a summer breeze warming Byleth’s soul. 

Was what she felt towards Edelgard friendship? Or something more? 

There was a rustle behind her followed by the sound of hushed footsteps. Her battle-worn instincts flared to life as she drew her sword with a flourish and spun on her heel 180 degrees. Her gaze was icy, but softened when she saw whose neck the silver tip of her sword was perched against. 

“Hubert--” 

“It is a delight to see you as well, Professor,” the vampire-like servant sneered. “You are the only one who can sense my presence besides Lady Edelgard, I must commend you.” 

Byleth lowered and sheathed her sword. “Is something wrong? Why are you here at this hour?” 

“I may ask the same of you,” he said as he looked Byleth up and down. She suddenly regretted her choice of outfit. 

She shifted her weight. “Is Edelgard okay?” 

“Oh yes, Lady Edelgard is fine. She is sound asleep last I checked-- overwhelmed with work. However, my reasoning for being here at such an inopportune time is that I came to speak with you.” 

Byleth sighed. “Would you like to discuss it over coffee?” 

“Tea at this hour, if you may.” 

“Gladly.” 

Suddenly, her sleeplessness fled, and Byleth felt very exhausted.

She opted to have tea in the courtyard. It was a nice night out, and the candlelight illuminated the table nicely. Under any other circumstances, this may be viewed as romantic. However, Hubert ‘wishing to talk to somebody in private’ was never a good sign, even if she has gained his trust over the past few years. She plopped a cube of sugar into her cup of tea and watched it dissolve as she stirred it with a teaspoon, the sound of silver on porcelain filling the heavy and awkward air between the two. Waiting for her beverage to cool, she perched her elbows on the table and rested her chin atop her clasped hands. “You may start anytime you wish.” 

Hubert did look rather dashing in this lighting, as if he were meant to travel through the darkness of the night. Byleth would never admit it. “The war has been over for roughly three months now, as you know. However,” he raised his teacup to sip and made a sour expression as he tasted the tea. If this were anyone else, Byleth would have taken slight offense, but she knew their situation. She was keenly aware of their roles. “I do not appreciate how you have been avoiding lady Edelgard since.”

Byleth, all of a sudden, felt all the chill in the air hit her skin, as if a ghost of her doubts has passed through her body. “Whatever do you mean? I simply asked to live in Garreg Mach, of course we wouldn’t be able to see each other every day.” 

“If only it could be as simple as that.” 

Her reflection in the pool of tea looked troubled. Something within her whispered in her ear, told her to say something snide. Her exhaustion willed her to listen. “Why would you care? I’m not dumb. You finally have her all to yourself.” 

Hubert narrowed his piercing eyes, processing her words. “Has that been pent up for a while?” Byleth was silent. She took a sip of tea, which she suddenly regrets not spiking with alcohol. “My, my, I never knew you were capable of such jealousy and pettiness. Being truthful, I am quite proud of you.” She internally rolled her eyes, but let him continue to speak. “Are you suggesting that if you were not in the picture I would have made some type of move?” His presence seemed overwhelming suddenly, every word he chose calculated and cold. “Taken her to the Goddess Tower, perhaps?” 

Once again, she was silent, taking all of his words like stabs to the stomach with a fresh dagger. 

He took a deep breath. “Professor, I must ask you. What are your intentions with lady Edelgard?” 

She was taken aback at the question, for it was one she was attempting to ask herself for more than five years. What _ were _her intentions with Edelgard? 

“I will be honest with you,” she paused. “I have no idea.” 

“You have truly given up a lot in order to be with her. You have fought your own kin, betrayed relationships, slaughtered thousands of nameless people all for her. If you continue down this path, you will only end up like me.” 

She finally met his eyes. “What do you mean?” 

“I swore since I was a child that I would be alongside Lady Edelgard for her entire life and journey, dirtying my hands so that hers may remain pristine, bloodying my hands so that she will never tarnish her own, cutting her a crimson path laced with the bodies of people who may be in her way. However, I desire nothing from her in return. That is where we differ.

“You have gone against every single one of your morals in order to follow and protect Lady Edelgard. Why is that? Surely you do not support all of her ideals.” 

She knew the answer. They both knew the answer, for it hung heavy and unspoken between the two of them. Considering the answer and mulling it over in her head, it felt as though a final piece of the puzzle clicked into place. Everything suddenly made sense-- the fog has lifted within her brain. She could hear her heartbeat in her ears: it was irregular. 

“It is because I am in love with Edelgard.” 

She did not regret saying those words. She said them with certainty. She would shout it from the rooftops if she had to: she was in love with Edelgard.

Finally, Hubert smiled, as if she had finally said what he wanted to hear. “Do you wish to travel back to the Empire with me? It seems as though you have a long conversation in store with her.” 

Byleth released a tight breath and nodded. “But please allow me let me change my outfit first.” 


	2. Chapter 2

Despite resting in one of the most posh and prime beds in the Empire, Byleth barely got a wink of sleep. She had hoped that after this morning, her restful nights would return. 

Staring aimlessly at the bedposts and the ornate organza drapery hanging from them, she was once again starting to doubt herself and her actions. Now that she admitted to herself that she did what she did because she was in love with Edelgard, she felt even worse, in a way. Never in her life did she put herself first. During her mercenary days she did what she had to do to survive, but this? This was murder due to her own heart. 

She asked herself-- would she go to war for a second time, fight her loved ones and slaughter civilians, if it meant keeping Edelgard safe? 

The answer was an instant ‘absolutely.’

Of course, she didn’t choose this path just for Edelgard: she chose this path to forge a new world underneath an unbiased rule, a rule not influenced by false ideals, a rule not laced with lies and false promises of a mock deity’s protection.

However, she still felt selfish for allowing her emotions to influence her decision. 

In the days after the battle, the birds had fled the surrounding areas of Garreg Mach and the Empire. Surely the bloodshed and loud noises would be too much for them. The morning after the battle, the world was laced with an eerie silence, a silence where it seemed that even the wildlife was mourning. 

The birds started to chirp again around a month after the battle. Byleth had always loved birdsong, for no matter what they were saying, they made it sound beautiful and they said it with a purpose. Morning birdsong reminded Byleth of peaceful times and early days when she and Jeralt would travel together, moving quickly from inn to inn at the cusp of dawn. 

In the pocket of her trousers she could feel her father’s silver ring burning a hole into her thigh as if it were aware that it would be meeting its fated person soon. 

She sat up and gazed out the window-- the sky was painted a shade of violet, signs that sunrise would be happening soon. She wished to speak with Edelgard during the sunrise, but she did not want to intrude if she were still sleeping. 

The idea of confessing to Edelgard, finally, after all this time, made her palms sweat and her stomach twist in knots. She should have just invited her to the Goddess Tower after the war ended and gotten it over with instead of allowing her desires and confusion to fester for months-- However, she was not nervous for her reply, but to finally acknowledge the feelings she had been swallowing for years. 

She remembered the tender touches they shared when Byleth returned. Edelgard hugged Byleth gently as if she were afraid that if she hugged her teacher any tighter she’d vanish beneath her touch. When the two of them stepped back Byleth could see tears pricking the corners of her eyes, her beautiful violet eyes, and she could feel her heart begin to break. 

“I thought-- I thought you were dead,” Edelgard murmured. “Is this a dream? Am I about to wake up in a few minutes, alone again?” 

Byleth shook her head and grasped her hand. “I am very much alive… I don’t intend on leaving you again.”

The Emperor wiped away her tears with her free palm. 

“And I am so very proud of you.” 

A knock on her door sent her shooting to her feet. “Come in.” Her voice was trembling, which never happens to her. Her heartbeat was erratic. 

Opening the door, Edelgard gave Byleth a warm smile. “Good morning, my teacher. I hope you excuse my nightclothes, I only just got word from Hubert that you came during the night.” She shut the door and stood in front of her, slightly concerned, head tilted. Her hair was loose from the twin braids she normally sleeps in. There was a natural curl within the silver locks of her hair-- it was so gorgeous, Byleth wanted to run her fingers through it. Her hair reminded Byleth of delicate, harnessed, woven moonlight. “Is everything alright?” 

“Yes, I apologize for coming so suddenly. Hubert visited me during the night and we had a chat. I wished to see you as well, since I have not been as truthful as you deserve.”

“Oh?” Edelgard sat down on her bed. “You may tell me anything, you know. You are my dearest friend, though since the war has ended, I have noticed a bit of distance between us.” 

Byleth wrung her hands, which had always been a nervous tic. “Ever since the war has ended and my heart has become free from the binds of Sothis and the church, I have become plagued with regrets and visions of old friends I have slain. But most importantly, it felt like I was selfish in taking their lives.” 

Edelgard nodded, leaving some silence in case Byleth wanted to continue. “I can imagine that this change has been hard for you… In fact, I have been experiencing the same type of affliction with regret.” She turned her solemn gaze out the window. “When we were still at the Monastery, I had to give myself tunnel vision. I did not want to grow close with anyone if I did not have to, because the last thing I wanted to do is make people suffer. But seeing their faces of betrayal is absolutely crushing.

“Together, we created a new dawn. However, our wounds are still fresh. We must take care of ourselves so we can all heal as a new and unified nation.” 

“It feels like these wounds will never heal.” 

Edelgard sighed. “That is what it means to be human. We’re too hard on ourselves sometimes. I know I sound hypocritical when I say this, but it pays to be kind to oneself, since that is the only person who will always be with you.” 

Byleth half expected Sothis to appear, to yell in her ear, to offer sage advice or scold her, but there was nothing. Her mind was singular and her own. Possibly, that was one of the reasons why she was so lonely after the war. Why she was so tough on herself. She had never learned how to cope with only one person being in charge of this body.

“I will be truthful with you. Without you in my life walking alongside this path with me, I am sure that I would have become a cold, soulless, tyrannical monster. I am very appreciative and very thankful for your presence in my life. When you left, I felt… Lost. Almost as if there were a void or a missing piece.” 

Her words sent warmth through her chest. In that moment Byleth smiled-- a full and earnest smile that traveled to her eyes. “I would never allow that to happen to you, El.” She visibly flustered at the nickname. Her cheeks turned a delicate shade of pink and she avoided Byleth’s gaze. “You are precious to me,” she said, her smile still on her face, admiring how cute the Empress looked when she was complimented. 

“Since we’re being honest, may I ask you something?” 

“Of course.” 

“Was there any certain reason why you did not invite anybody to the Goddess Tower after the battle? I heard from a few people that you had not shown any interest in inviting anybody.” 

It was Byleth’s turn to feel sheepish. “I’ve had a lot of trouble acknowledging my emotions after all the events that happened. Everything felt foreign to me, especially since I only just now seeing the world clearly without the intervention of a goddess. Not asking anybody was another one of my regrets that haunts me.” The ring in her pocket continued to burn against her skin, tormenting her. 

“Oh, of course, that all makes sense,” Edelgard started, “It just seemed like you had so many amazing suitors at your doorstep.” 

“I recognized their feelings towards me, but I never had eyes for them,” she paused for a breath and to collect herself. “At the time, I thought that the one I had feelings towards was spoken for already.” 

“I am not going to pry if you do not wish to explain any more.” 

“No, no, you’re fine to wonder, though the situation is all settled now.”

“That is good.” 

Outside, the sky started to turn shades of pink and orange as the sun made its way above the horizon. 

“Byleth, would you want to watch the sunrise with me?” Edelgard asked, holding out her hand. She was taken aback by the mention of her name, but nods and takes her hand with a soft smile adorning her face. This is the most she has smiled in a long time, she notes. 

The walk to the balcony was attached to Edelgard’s master bedroom. Her crimson and gold bed was perfectly made, despite her saying that she just got out of bed. Maybe she was just as anxious as talking to Byleth as the former-- the thought sent butterflies through her stomach. 

Finally, she knew what Dorothea was talking about. 

The double doors to the balcony soundlessly opened and Byleth couldn’t help but be in awe at the gorgeous view. From this balcony Byleth could see miles in the distance. She had a beautiful view of the gardens in front of the mansion and fountains that were causing rainbows to dance in the morning light. Sparkling dew still adorned the meticulously trimmed grass and they made it out just in time for the sun to creep over the horizon. 

“El,” Byleth started. She had absolutely no plan but felt like she didn’t need one. Her newfound heart knew what it was doing, she supposed. It felt like it did, at least. “Remember when I said that together, every day, we would see the sun rise and no matter where we are, it would connect us?” 

She nodded in response. The golden light danced on her skin as if she were on a stage, adorned with effects, but no. It was just El. “It may be corny, but I do think about that whenever I see a sunrise.” 

Byleth laughed quietly, for she felt light and airy, as if she were dancing on a cloud. “I do as well, and I don’t intend on breaking that promise.” Gently, quietly, slowly, she put a hand in her pocket and held the ring in her fingers. Edelgard was looking at her curiously. “For I wish to spend the rest of my life with you. You are my most beloved El. It took a lot of time for me to realize this, but I realized that I have done everything in order to be with you.” As the sun finally, finally crest over the horizon, creating a half-sphere and illuminating the both of them in glorious morning light, she pulled out the ring and presented it to her beloved. “This is for you. It has been meant for you for years.” 

Edelgard’s eyes widened and she was speechless for a good moment, but eventually, Byleth noticed tears pricking at the corners of her beautiful violet eyes. The last time Edelgard cried was for Byleth, too. 

“It’s beautiful,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. A tear streamed down her cheek as she slipped it onto her wedding finger-- a perfect fit (to Byleth’s joy). “I have been waiting for you for a while, you know. I could never picture my life without you.” 

Byleth moved to cup Edelgard’s cheek, wiping away her tears with her thumb. She eased into Byleth’s touch, her eyes closed with joy. “I’m so happy.” 

“I intend to make you happy for eternity, my El.” 

Slowly, hesitantly, Byleth choked down her nervousness and moved to press a chaste kiss to Edelgard’s forehead. It was a tender and small gesture, but felt momentous for the both of them. 

Flooded with amber glow, it felt as though their regrets and shadows have dissipated. Neither of them wished for that moment to end, for it felt like a snapshot of heaven. The heaven that the two of them forged, together, as one. 

Byleth never had trouble sleeping after that, for she was joined with the Emperor at her side, keeping each other safe from their own shadows, both eternally, unequivocally human. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> h i shit this out so quickly because I literally love Edelgard and Hubert and Byleth and the black eagles [screams into a pillow] my twitter is @chiyossr if you wish to find me elsewhere, also the lyrics in the descriptions are the song Big Houses by Squalloscope which is totally Edie 
> 
> thank you for reading! <3


End file.
